Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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