his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
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TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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