I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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