the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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