well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
