I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
