Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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