You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
from now on my penis is your penis
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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