his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dating After Heartbreak
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line