Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
