i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.