porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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