Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
