a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
