My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
