You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
