Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Buhtt sex?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
