I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
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