Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
