the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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