i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
