Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
