Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
