I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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