fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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