Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
