tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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