Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
