I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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