Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
