I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
