We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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