So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
