So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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