Soap is not a condiment
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
