Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
