She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
