A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
