Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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