I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
