I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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