I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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