Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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