you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
