i was born a porn star she said
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
