Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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