my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
