Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
