By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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