Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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