one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
