Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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