New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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