I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
