chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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