Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
