Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
